Walking Through The Angry Remarks

From time to time, I have been bombarded with remarks like:

"You are a burden."

"You are selfish."

"You deserve to be alone."

"You are good for nothing."

"We are unfortunate to have you."

Such statements kill you several times, doesn't it? Once when the remark is made and then several more times, when you think about it.

I don't consider myself a bad person. Do I have weaknesses? Yes, for sure. I have many weaknesses. One such weakness is that I am not good at maths, physics, and chemistry. Still, I opted for PCB. I was bound to fail but does that make me a burden? At that very moment, when the word "burden" was used, I thought yes but now, I don't think that. The fact is my interest lies in other subjects and I think I am pretty good in the subjects of my interest.

By the way, I will try to address all the statements, one by one, so that I can gain back my lost confidence. This entire blog will be an attempt to heal myself.

Let's analyse, "You are selfish" and "You deserve to be alone." together.

For a long time and even now, it's difficult for me to say the word "NO". Before uttering this word, I mentally practice several times. Many Instagram posts, especially the posts about self-love have made me realise that it is okay to say no if you don't want to do something. Choosing to do something that I really want to do and uttering the word "NO" for my happiness makes me a selfish person. I have been shamed for it, several times in the past few months. Perhaps, I am a selfish person. Maybe, I am still confused about it but I have realised that it makes me feel brave. I feel brave when I take a stand for myself. However, I still feel guilty when I say no. So, it's kind of a mixed feeling. It's like the feeling of happiness and unhappiness can exist at the same time. The truth is such remarks do increase the share of unhappiness.

"You deserve to be alone."

I agree with this statement because I have never experienced unconditional love... but isn't love always supposed to be unconditional? It makes me wonder if I have ever experienced love.

A quote by Jill Robinson has struck me hard. The quote is

"There are too many mediocre things in life to deal with. Love shouldn't be one of them."

I resonate with this quote. If it's love, it needs to be mad, wild and passionate. The sort of love that I have experienced, if they can be considered a form of love was actually way too practical for me to enjoy the pleasure and pain of it.

"You are good for nothing."

Hmm.. an extremely angry remark. I don't really know what to comment on it. I know, I am not good at many things but I'm trying to improve myself, each and every day to become better and that's the only thing I have to offer. My efforts.

"We are unfortunate to have you."

Almost all the people who hold a special place in my heart have made this remark. They are indeed unfortunate to have me. I know this because I know that I am not an easy person. I feel bad for them, I feel bad that they had to bear my presence.

Perhaps, I should try to maintain a distance for them, so that, they suffer a bit less. I don't want to be a trouble for anyone.

Do you know what is the funny part? Despite many such remarks, I feel special. I still believe God loves me. I still hope for magical experiences that I only get to read about in books. I am still hopeful. I still smile and I am still alive in my own little world.

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