Is Forgiving Difficult For You Too?

Before I began to write this blog, I googled the word, "forgiveness" and my screen was bombarded with titles like:

"Forgiveness: Letting Go Of Grudges And Bitterness"

"Forgiveness: Your Health Depends On It"

"How To Forgive Someone?"

"What Is Forgiveness and What Are The Benefits?"

I hate to admit it but I don't know how to forgive. I know how to let go but I cannot forgive, I will hold the grudges, for a long time for sure. I have read articles, blogs, and books on how to forgive, and the only conclusion that I have reached is that I do not know how to forgive which essentially makes me a very unforgiving person. A bad trait to have, I tried to fix it but I could not. So, instead, I have decided to accept it.

Now I feel the need to point out here that I am not talking about forgiving tiny mistakes. I can let go of small mistakes without a second thought like any other normal person. What I mean is that I cannot forgive a person if they have hurt me emotionally.

Because I know forgiveness isn't for me, instead of learning the steps of forgiving someone which I tried, of course, I am wondering why is it difficult for me to forgive someone who has caused me emotional pain?

I am an over-thinker and over-sensitive person. No matter whether you say something good or bad to me, I will replay our conversations in my head a multiple number of times, that's how I am wired. So, when someone hurts me emotionally, I am not hurt once but multiple times, and then it becomes difficult for me to forgive a person.

Also, does it ever happen to you that someone says something mean to you and you try to forgive and let go, but then, when you talk to that person again at a later point of time, all the bad feelings that you once felt rushes back to you? It happens to me, that's another reason why I have difficulty in forgiving someone.

Lastly and the most important hurdle that I face while trying to forgive someone is that I end up thinking that if I forgive or pretend that I have forgiven, I end up sending a signal indicating that it's okay for them to behave in a hurtful manner with me and never in my dreams, I would prefer to send such signals to anyone. I may not say it directly on your face but through my actions and facial expressions, it will be apparent that yes, I have grudges against you for the way you have treated me.

You might now ask me if I can't forgive, how do I deal with such people in my life? Well, I create emotional distance from them. I no longer allow them to overpower my thoughts or control my emotional state. For a tiny moment, I do get vulnerable when the actual scene plays out but then I create a big wall of indifference against them. I no longer allow them to impact me in anyway.

I believe it doesn't take much to be a good human being. If you are good to me, I will be good to me but if you are bad to me, I will stop feeling anything for you. I can understand that occasional burst of anger happens, it happens with me too but then what do you do after that? Say, sorry and mean it. I really do not understand the concept of forgiving someone even if they do not seek your forgiveness. Shouldn't such people stay happy with their ego while you create a distance from them for your mental peace? I mean why would anyone want to be in that emotional hell again? Do it once, I will try to forgive and forget, do it twice and you are out of my heart. Also, why the inability to forgive someone is considered a bad trait? Is it okay to hurt someone, intentionally? Is it okay to make someone question their worth? Is it okay to make someone cry? If not, then why the inability to forgive such people is considered a bad trait? So, is it only me or do you also face difficulties in forgiving someone?

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